08 Oct

“tuty bila nak kawin?”
“aku tak nak kawin.”
“aku takut nak kawin”


anyway it is soo true. few years back (when i was still studying) i was so gatal and miang to get married (hahahahhahahah), but now when i can afford it, it makes my stomach shrink whenever the matter is up.

why i am afraid of marriage? not because of my weird family. not because of i am afraid of ibu mertuaku or something. it is because of i am afraid i couldn’t ‘laksanakan tanggungjawab dgn baik’. deep in my heart, i really wanna get married with that someone i love.

what if..
i am not home when he’s come back from work?
who’s gonna prepare his meal?

what if..
i am so tired after work?
who’s gonna clean up the house?

with my current condition, going to work at 6.30am and the earliest i could reach home is by 7.15pm. how’s on earth i would satisfy the responsibility of being a good wife?

all sorts of ‘what-if(s)’ popped into my mind when i think about marriage. lots of conflicts in my head. ‘i want to’ and ‘i am afraid to’. tak tahu mana yg dtg dari hati dan perasaan, atau akal dan fikiran.

i used to ask him those what-ifs question to him. it is so nice of him to answer, “kita makan luar je”. but i know, takkan hari-hari penat dan makan luar kan? kesian la dia.

i see my mom as an ideal wife. she works, she cleans the house, she sews our baju kurung(s), she cooks, she bakes cookies and cakes.. etc etc. i wanna be like mama, minus the berleter part.. hehhehe..

i can sew, but the sewing quality is not as good as mama’s.
i can cook, and they tasted good, but the appearance is not so good. even ikan bilis goreng mama looks far more nicer that my ikan bilis goreng.
i can bake cakes and cookies, they tasted good when you close your eyes.. my cookies are so huge and tak lawa, compared to mama’s.
ohh i clean the house, but it always looks messy.

the solution?
when i’m married and live with my husband. i had to blindfold him so he never knew the condition of the house, the appearance of my home made dishes and the quality of his baju melayu. dah tutup lampu baru bukak mata. hehe

oh now, i’m pretty sure i can be a wife, not a good one, but an OK-cukup-syarat one. just don’t ask when the thing will happen.

i will be a lousy house manager. now, i am very unsure, which side of brain i use most. or maybe i do not use any. hahahahha

pretty sure, my husband and i would miss the sahur frequently. i am not good at waking up in the morning.

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Posted by on October 8, 2005 in crash and burn


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