Coping with loss

10 Oct

mak aii.. mcm lama sgt aku terasa pregnant.. now I know how my friends yg mengalami miscarriage rasa. seriously kan, mmg lain rasanya.

Allah Maha Kuasa, how I berat hati masa nak terima hakikat that I was pregnant. Frankly speaking, I LOVE BEING PREGNANT. but when I saw the positive result, i was terduduk, berhenti nafas. Oh ye, I was being so tidak bersyukur! Out there, hundreds thousands couples were trying hard to conceive. I was at the other hand, duk asyik ckp, “I am not ready, I am not ready”

Until one day, my SSP-UTM friend posted an email saying about, “Allah tau kita ready ke tidak”.. That’s it. Ajek was ok with the pregnancy news, why on earth I was being so ungrateful? Astaghfirullahalazimmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.. Tuty Tuty Tuty..

There are other reasons too.. but reasons are lame, kan? What? I want to BF Aidan until 2year old? ahh helloo.. Allah tunjuk ha skrg ni. With the loss, I couldn’t give him enough milk, due to hormonal imbalance. I struggle every night with cranky baby. So I have to make sure he sleeps with full tummy.Ya Allah, ampunkanlah ketidaksyukuran hambaMu ini.

1 week of being pregnant, and happy about it. I planned to but some iPhone apps, related to childbirth. I had surveyed which book should I read this time, I’ve been eyeing certain baby stuff that I need want to buy. Whoaa.. the list is endless. Even with 2 babies, I still have a list, and it is even longer than before.

But, I keep saying, wait for next week.. Wait for the result, the growth.

Allah Maha Kuasa, tak cukup seminggu pun. In fact the baby weren’t growing since entah bila. The last time we check, the baby was 6 week old, and she has been that 6 week old for two weeks.

How did I feel? Like I’ve said before, I felt nothing right after the procedure. But the feeling crept into my soul a day after that. I’m feeling sad, feeling guilty, feeling abandoned, feeling like a bad mother. Ajek is super busy with his consultancy works. Dia bukan buat2 busy, dia dah foresee the peak period before raya lagi. Tambah2 lagi dgn J/K/R Elektri.k yg buat kerja consultant mcm draughtman diorg.

I cried before going to bed, I cried in the bathroom, I cried watching the stupid tv/dvd. I dont know this is about the loss or totally about hormonal imbalance. Seriously, no fun at all!! Hati ni mcm diremuk2. I wanted a unreasonable amount of hugs and kisses and attentions.. Betullah, it is the hormormones.. and.. I became so penakut. Ajek had to teman me when I wanted to have my midnight snacks.

I was given 10 days MC. 1st day – ok. 2nd day – still ok. 3rd day – I made doughnuts to kill my time. cooked for dinner. didn’t speak to Ajek eventho he worked from home tht day. he was too occupied, made me feel useless because I’m on MC and he’s working all-out.

4th day – Ajek went to office, I cried countless times. Did not even switched on the tv. Saw some status about pregnancy in twitter and fb, and cried again. Luckily my SIL wanted to go to Jusco and I tagged her along. Allah blessed you! Lantaklah post D&C kena rest ke, left alone at home make me crazy. Did some retail therapy. Ajek called and said he had allocated some money for me.. haha yay! (but i know he was bluffing.. because he didn’t ask how much the skirt was, and didn’t hand me his credit card 😛 ) apa lah tak baik tipu~

5th day – Jusco again, to watch Eat Pray Love with husband.Thank you so much for spending your precious ‘drawing-calculating-time’ to watch movie with me, even tho I walk slowly, even tho I didn’t check the movie schedule, you did not marah me ( I know you want to!!). Ajek is so unpredictable, short tempered, if he is loaded with work. This is a fact that I know since we were still have ‘P’ pasted on our windscreen.

walking a lot made my tummy feel funny. I couldn’t carry Aidan a lot these days. Just enough to carry him up-down stairs. More than that, I would try to avoid. Alhamdulillah my Adam and Aidan are so easy to handle.

So guys, if u have someone trying to cope with their loss, jgn la cuba ckp, “usaha tangga kejayaan”. It sucks the biggest time.





Posted by on October 10, 2010 in simply random


7 responses to “Coping with loss

  1. arina

    October 10, 2010 at 12:12 pm

    ada ke org wish ang usaha tanda kejayaan? sungguh tidak sensitip orang itu.

    • Tuty

      October 12, 2010 at 12:05 am

      Ada. Tu yg aku geram.

  2. suhana

    October 11, 2010 at 8:18 am

    saba eh tuty..i know how it feel..
    aku suke dgr biter org get pregnant, tp deep inside, i was crying like hell!!..:p

    • Tuty

      October 12, 2010 at 12:06 am

      Sabar su. Allah maha mengetahui

  3. nisa

    October 11, 2010 at 7:35 pm

    saya dulu sempat gi salon kerintingkan rambut sehari sebelum masuk wad utk d&c. nak pujuk hati la kononnya…konon-konon tabah…semua akan ok…tapi i cried the moment i saw muka suami masa ditolak keluar dr OT room nak ke ward 2008 yang lepas. waahhh rasa bersalah pon ade…rasa lost tu jgn cakap la kan…

    tapi semua yang terjadi mesti ada reason & hikmah di sebaliknya kan…mungkin sekarang kita tak sedar…but as we go on…kita akan sedar kenapa Allah tarik balek nikmat itu…

    yang penting…you are coping well with the support of your love ones…

    adam & aidan, sila jaga mama awak elok-elok ye…

    • Tuty

      October 12, 2010 at 12:10 am

      Haha i wish i pun pegi salon la.

      Kan? Having miscarriage mmg bg satu deep cut in our heart. I never thot tht i would feel this hurt, sbb ingatkn x terasa bcos dh ada kids. Subhanallah

  4. ayu

    October 12, 2010 at 4:58 am

    takziah tuty. insyaAllah ade rezeki lagi in future. insyaAllah. take care!


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